S Company Presents
How to Cope with the Stress of Infertility
Advice for Couples from Psychologist Zura Mkheidze
Interviewed by Ketia Belkania
Infertility is a topic society often avoids discussing openly, yet it masks the silent, daily, and invisible struggles of countless couples. When family planning drags on for months or years, the journey isn’t confined to doctors’ offices and physical challenges. On the contrary, the primary and most difficult battlefield is often the human mind.
Coping with infertility carries an immense emotional burden, intertwined with feelings of guilt and endless waiting. This internal pain is often aggravated by societal attitudes. Unsolicited advice, people projecting their own experiences, and tactless — albeit seemingly harmless — questions, such as “So, when are you planning to have kids?” or “What are you waiting for?” frequently push couples toward isolation. They develop a strong urge to pull away from friends and relatives, avoiding any social gatherings where children are the main topic of conversation.
How can partners navigate this multifaceted stress without losing each other? What communication mistakes do we make, and how can we set firm yet healthy boundaries with those around us? Psychologist Zura Mkheidze addresses these and other critically important questions.
Zura, infertility is often a devastating emotional blow for couples, making them want to step away from social gatherings or loved ones who constantly talk about children. What do you advise patients? How can they establish healthy boundaries without becoming completely isolated from society?
Generally speaking, society rarely respects personal boundaries when it comes to such private matters. Intruding on personal space is commonplace here. Take illness, for example: two people might run into each other and share their health struggles as if competing over who feels worse. I’ll go even further — you could have three children, and the moment you see a relative, they will inevitably urge you to have a fourth. Or, let’s say a couple decides they want to wait before having kids; relatives will still poke and prod with, “So, when are you planning?” This behavior is so deeply ingrained in people’s habits that trying to physically escape it will indeed lead to total isolation.
The solution lies not in setting physical boundaries, but in shifting your internal attitude. Since we cannot change how others behave, we must change our reaction to them. We need to anticipate and accept as a given that these remarks and questions will inevitably come. The key is to neutralize your emotional response — what others say shouldn’t trigger a severe reaction in you.
Just as the body has an immune system, the psyche has its own defense mechanisms. The mind counters damaging information with contrasting content. To reduce the impact of a distressing topic, our mind needs to create an alternative context and redirect its focus there.
Feelings of guilt and awkwardness frequently accompany the infertility treatment process. In your opinion, what is the main reason behind the heavy burden of carrying this “secret” in our reality, and how do you help people overcome it?
There are a few key factors at play here. The first is self-realization. Generally, people only feel fully realized and complete when they are successfully fulfilling all their social and natural roles. Reproduction is a fundamental biological function; consequently, someone without children may feel they haven’t fully realized their potential.
At the same time, we juggle many social roles throughout our lives, which change depending on the context. A person feels good when they are successfully performing the roles assigned to them in any given moment.
When we are constantly surrounded by news of others having babies and being great parents, the most destructive question automatically arises: “Whose fault is it?” As a result, the topic itself becomes too uncomfortable to discuss, especially when extended family and relatives get involved.
Added to this internal pressure is the anxiety of wondering, “Will I ever be able to have a child at all?” To overcome this shame and fear, managing expectations is crucial. There is a category of people who groundlessly reassure themselves by saying, “Everything will be fine.” This is dangerous because, if the desired outcome isn’t reached, the level of disappointment is critically high. The other extreme is a pessimistic approach, where people look at everything hopelessly just so they can say, “I told you it wouldn’t work” if they fail. Both approaches are psychologically exhausting. The real solution lies in maintaining realistic expectations and refusing to blame yourself.
Under stress, men and women process problems differently. Women often need to talk, while men tend to withdraw or try to solve the problem independently. What is the biggest communication mistake couples make during this time, and how can they avoid blaming each other?
Before we jump into communication, it’s important to understand the physiology of stress. Every emotion a person experiences has a biochemical reaction. When you are happy, your body releases endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin. In the case of stress, the main player is cortisol.
We can confidently say that your emotional state directly impacts the probability of conception. There are countless cases where a couple struggled to conceive for years, decided to adopt, and shortly after that decision, the woman naturally became pregnant. Why? Because the moment the “task” was removed from their minds — the constant pressure of infertility — the anxiety associated with it vanished. Often, people punish themselves: they decline nights out with friends, avoid fun activities, and restrict their intake of “happiness hormones,” which very likely has a direct negative impact on reproductive health.
As for communication, the biggest mistake is forcing your own coping mechanism onto your partner. Everyone has a different comfort zone when dealing with stress. Men frequently withdraw and hyper-focus on one specific issue — this is driven by their nature and social conditioning. Women, on the other hand, need to share their emotions and talk things through.
If we demand that a man constantly talk about his inner feelings, he will be forced out of his comfort zone and withdraw even further. Similarly, demanding that a woman stay quiet and suppress her emotions will have a devastating effect on her. The solution is accepting each other’s fundamentally different natures and standing by one another. In my own practice, successful couples consistently highlight the crucial role of their partner’s support, regardless of the form that support takes.
Psychologists often advise patients to distract themselves and strictly limit the time they spend researching medical information about conception online. How common is “information overload syndrome” in these situations, and how does it impact treatment?
Have you ever read the complete list of side effects for even the most harmless medication? Trust me, if you read it, you might throw the pills away and never take them. The internet is so full of contradictory information about absolutely everything that a person will inevitably get confused. Overloading on information never works in our favor; it only heightens anxiety and uncertainty. Ultimately, people just end up believing whatever aligns with their current mood.
Did you know that 30 years ago, anxiety disorders didn’t exist on this massive scale? This is a modern phenomenon, a direct result of information overload. Furthermore, studies prove that humans are wired to pay more attention to negativity, which is why negative news affects us far more intensely than positive news. You might not see a direct link between a news article you read online and your sudden bad mood, but the general information background has a massive impact. Therefore, maintaining “information hygiene” during the treatment process is absolutely critical — constantly polluting your consciousness with negative information is just as dangerous as physical pollution.
You mentioned societal pressure. When a patient constantly hears probing questions from relatives or birth announcements from friends, it naturally causes sadness and resentment. How can we teach society to be more tactful, and how should patients protect themselves from these kinds of “attacks”?
I’ll be completely honest: I don’t have an answer for how to single-handedly change society’s behavior. They would probably need to be reborn and raised all over again. Trying to teach tact to society is like a professor standing in a half-empty lecture hall, scolding the students who are actually there about the importance of attendance. In reality, the only people listening are the ones who already show up. Thinking about this topic and developing emotional intelligence only interests those who already naturally possess a degree of tact.
Therefore, a patient’s primary strategy shouldn’t be trying to change society, but rather strengthening their own emotional shield. Accept as a given that these questions will be asked, and refuse to give other people’s remarks the power to destroy your inner peace.
Exercise and staying active are frequently recommended for managing stress. From a psychological perspective, where do we draw the line between a healthy physical outlet and a fanatical “escape” from the problem?
As I mentioned earlier, the psyche has its own defense mechanisms, and redirecting your attention is one of the healthiest methods available. The mind constantly strives for order and balance, so it’s completely natural to seek out activities (like exercise) that help neutralize destructive thoughts.
The line is crossed when the activity stops bringing you pleasure and energy, and instead turns into an obsession that disconnects you from real life. However, broadly speaking, shifting your focus toward the positive is essential. Life is too short, and we do not have the luxury of constantly being in a bad mood. Why should we waste our time and our priceless emotional resources on things that only cause us harm?